Okay, I'm going to come out with it. I have Social Anxiety Disorder, Depression and yes, I do have the occasional suicidal thoughts. I don't want you to treat me any differently. I'm still a human being.
I wanted to get that off my chest so I can explain this: I seriously hate my brother.
And no, it's not like 'sibling rivalry', it's more along the lines of 'I want to kill him for all the damage he has caused me'.
When I was a child, around the age of maybe from 4-6 (I can't recall precisely) but what I can vividly recall is this: My brother nearly choking me to death. I still have panic attacks over it. I feel my throat being constricted. I feel like I'm being lifted into the air and choked like he did before. But you're probably guessing "But why did he choke you?". I'll tell you why. Over a fucking toy car. That's right, my brother almost KILLED ME OVER A GOD DAMN TOY CAR. I've never told my mom. My brother doesn't remember it. I'm too terrified to go up to him and admit that he almost killed me.
And to now, my brother complains if I eat certain things. And no, he's not concerned about my health. Earlier today, I made myself some PB&J with hot dog buns. Whenever I feel emotionally drained, I tend to eat small things and hot dog buns are pretty small compared to normal slices of bread (to me at least). When I was finishing my second sandwich, my brother comes into the house, sees me eating and gets PISSED. Why? Because since I ate the last of the hot dog buns, he can't make hot dogs now. HE GOT PISSED BECAUSE I ATE FOOD. And this isn't the first time this happened either. Whenever I eat something that he wanted, he gets pissed. And it's FRUSTRATING because he wasn't even going to touch the shit until months later.
I just... I don't know what to do guys. I seriously don't. We don't have the money for a therapist and I just want to escape all the emotional and mental breakdowns and panic attacks I have regularly. It's always when I get something to eat that I get flashbacks of hurtful memories and it hurts so much. Guys... what do I do? I'm so scared.
- Listening to: stupid shit
- Watching: Eddsworld
- Playing: ssb4
- Eating: souls
- Drinking: water
you gotta kiek the shit out of your brother, if not, then id gladly do it for ya, if i lived there ghhhhhh
I'd love to stand up to my brother but he's taller and stronger than me so eeeuguguguhhu??? I mean I can beat his ass with my wooden sword but the dude is the only one in the house who can drive and has a job so???